broken.

the broken heart within you causes me great distress.
i weep in your midst as i see the suffering your temple is subjected to.

endless nightmares keep you from rest.
anxiety and idols terrorize you

always in pursuit but never finding peace
never with joy, always with sorrow.

the dark shadows hide your insecurities.
you fall deeper into the void of lies and deceit

you flee from that of infinite value
and your temple is in decay before my eyes.

you never forgive, never forget, and refuse to surrender
how far will you go before you've reached the point of no return?

how far can you go before i stop loving you?

showers of refreshing love and hope await
i long to cleanse you and make you whole.

will you come and indulge in this sweet water of life?
will you allow it to pour over you, to wash away your tears and stains?
or will you flee from new life and forever pursue the lies and darkness that beckon you?

it's not too late to be made new.

09.23.2009.
j.e.b.

true love

A world so wasted.

A plea for help
Iron against bone
Flesh broken and torn
Tears of sorrow
Cries of lament
Flash of power
True love struck dead

Forgiveness flows
All made new
Impurities cleansed
The broken made whole
A day of hope
All for this
True love was born

The world?

There is so much in this world that I don't understand.

The world is huge.

I am tiny. I mean, it would take at least billions of people to cover every square inch of the globe. I'm just one person.

Yet, our world is tiny when compared to the galaxy in which it's located.

I guess that makes me like a grain of sand. I wonder how many grains of sand it would take to cover the world?

And even our galaxy is tiny in comparison to the rest of the universe.

I don't know what to compare that to. A mole? And atom? A molecule? A cell?

Basically, it seems that I'm one tiny, insignificant person.

It's pretty amazing, when you think about it, that there are only a handful of people who have been remembered throughout time, whose names are written in the history books, and whose stories have lived to be told.

Some of those people are remembered for their cruelty, some for their wisdom, some for their riches, some for their brains, some for their peace-making, others for their brilliance in military planning. Names come to mind like Hilter, Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Ghandi, Napoleon, Nero, Henry VIII, Alexander the Great. . . yet, even of the people mentioned, there are many people that do not know who they are, many people that have never heard their names, and still others that believe the stories told are just myths.

Believing any story requires a little faith. Research requires relying on the statements and perceptions of past historians, scientists, archaeologists, eye-witnesses, etc. As an average person with no superhuman abilities, I cannot possibly track down every lead myself.

I am unable to climb into a time machine to go back in time to see for myself whether or not there really was a holocaust.

I can't fly to the moon with Armstrong and see for myself whether or not the moon landing really did occur. I will never be able to watch him plant that flag in the dust of the moon.

I just have to rely on the research and conclusions of other people who are relying on the statements of others. I can read a variety of sources and viewpoints, but in the end I must come to my own conclusion.

I can even determine that there's too much evidence supporting a staged moon landing, and too many flaws in the holocaust theory for it to actually be true.

Ultimately, I am held accountable for my decision, whatever decision that is. And when the time comes that accountability, I need to be ready. I'd better be prepared now to back up my decisions, beliefs, or opinions when the time comes. Because a time will come when I am confronted and a defense must be made.

There will always be unanswered questions, there will always be things too complex to answer, there will always be good questions presented by the opposing view-point. That's the part that requires faith. That's where I have to take a deep breath and say, "You know what, I don't have all the answers. I will never have all the answers. I could devote my life to research and never come up with all the answers. But these unanswered question don't change the rest of the evidence. The evidence points here, and even though I don't have all the answers, this is what I'm going to put my trust and faith in. The evidence is strongest here."

There are some things that are too important in life not to make a decision about. Decisions that are life and death. These are the things I must make a decision upon. They affect my life, and I cannot wait.

But in the end, I know my decision, though it requires faith, is one that was made with both logical reasoning and with faith. I may not have all the answers, but I didn't walk into this blindly. Few decisions in life are made with evidence in 100% support. Even the simplest math problem, 2+2 is not as simple as it seems. To a mathematician, 2+2=4, but to a chemist 2+2=0. (2. + 2. = 4.)

I venture to say most decisions in life are made both with logic and the heart. Pure logic and rationale cannot explain many of the greatest things in society. The mind can lead you so far, but it is the heart that demands a decision.

I've looked at the evidence that begs my heart for a verdict and I've made my decision.

Lessons in engagement - introduction

I decided to write about some of the things I've learned because of mine and Jesse's engagement, but first I had to write a little background information on our engagement. The relationship is an entirely different story. :-)

- - - -

When Jesse and I first got engaged, we chose not to tell people right away. We told our family members and our close friends but asked them not to go and blab it to the world. We didn't care if they did tell people, we just didn't want it to be a huge deal and the next piece of gossip to travel around the community.

This is the way we did our courting/dating relationship as well; we didn't want to draw attention to ourselves and wanted to focus more on learning about each other and keeping God the center or our relationship before we had to deal with the judgment and opinions of others. Because we chose not to advertise our relationship, at the time of our engagement (and perhaps even now) there were still people who didn't realize we had actually been in a relationship for the past 18 months. In fact, I've still had people come up to me in the past month or two and tell me, "I just heard the news! Congratulations, when is the big day?!" We have been engaged for almost exactly 10 months.

We didn't make a our relationship "Facebook official" until 8 months after we'd already been together because Jesse was going off to college in Arkansas. We thought it be a good preventative measure and deterrence for people who added us on Facebook while we were apart. The hope was that they would see we're in a relationship and any interest in either Jesse or me would dissolve after they saw we were in a relationship (that was the idea anyway, but now I'm not naive enough to count on that). We made our engagement Facebook official about two months after our actual engagement date, I believe.

Another part of the reason we chose not to tell people we were engaged right away was because we wanted to have some time to think through our future together and to get an idea of what both of us wanted for our wedding and our marriage. We knew that the minute people discovered we were getting married, they would start giving us advice and ideas on what we should and shouldn't do, telling us we couldn't do things the way we wanted to, giving us budget advice, etc. We both understand the people are trying to be helpful, but it is so overwhelming sometimes! I really do like getting advice, just not all at once, and generally not when I haven't asked for it. Recently, I went to Wal-mart to buy some Valentine's M&Ms for our wedding that were 50% off. Since I bought so many bags, the cashier and the customer in front of me were giving me funny looks, and it made me feel as though I owed some sort of explanation. "I'm buying these for a wedding."

The bewildered expression on their face turned into relief and they both told me what a wonderful idea that was, and how cheap it was to buy them this way. I nodded my head, and the customer in front of me left with her purchases. Now it was just the cashier, my sister, and me. After the cashier found out it was for MY wedding, she began spouting out tons of decorating ideas to me. I just nodded my head, agreed with her, asked her a few questions, and left, thanking her for the ideas I was probably not going to use.

That's what I mean - I had just met this lady and she wanted to share all her ideas with me. But because I didn't know her and would never see her again, I was able to just walk away from her and tell her thanks. People just love to share advice, opinions, and ideas, even when it's not asked for. It's so much harder to discuss wedding plans with people I know because I feel like I owe them something. I have a hard time saying "no thanks," or "That's a good idea, but I don't think it will work for our wedding" because these people are a part of my life! I don't want to offend them or shut them down completely, because they do have really good ideas, I just don't always want them, or like them. It's so hard finding a balance between being open and gracious and being firm and decisive, especially when little stuff like this really doesn't matter. Unfortunately, it just grates on a person after some time.

- - - - -

That's all for now. :-) I must say, though, the opinions expressed in this blog are only mine, not necessarily Jesse's. Also, I hope you don't ever get the impression that I think the way Jesse and I did our relationship is the only way to do it. This is how God worked it out for us, and that's all. :-)

Couscous

Here's a recipe I made yesterday. I made a few changes, but it's pretty much the same thing.
Overall, I really enjoyed the recipe. I'd give it about a 4 star. Or, an A-. :-)

Couscous
Serves 5

1 cup couscous
1 3/4 cup chicken broth (or add 1-2 cubes of chicken boullion to water)
2 tablespoons oil for sautéing
1 red bell pepper, diced
1/4 of a white onion
4 cloves minced garlic, or to taste
1 can diced tomatoes
1 tablespoon dried basil
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
Black pepper to taste
2-3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar, or to taste
Parmesan cheese to sprinkle on top

**** I definitely would use fresh basil, if you have any. The dish would burst with flavor, freshness, and deliciousness. The original recipe calls for 1 cup fresh basil instead of the dried herbs, but I think that would be too much.
**** Also, I tried it both with and without Parmesan cheese. The difference was minimal. Next time I probably won't use any.



1. Bring chicken broth to a boil. Add couscous and bring back to a boil. Cover and remove from heat. After 5-10 minutes, fluff with fork. This can left alone for some time.

2. Dice pepper, onion, and garlic, then sauté them in oil over low to medium heat until they reach the desired tenderness (I personally don't like mine to be mushy).











3. Add the herbs, tomatoes, and pepper to the sautéed mixture. Bring to a simmer.

4. Combine couscous with tomato mixture. Place in casserole dish and splash the balsamic vinegar on top. Cook in oven at 350 for about 20 minutes. Sprinkle Parmesan cheese on before serving.





**** It isn't necessary to cook in oven. I found though, that it helps the couscous to absorb the flavors better. It tastes just as good or better as leftovers.

Empty

I yearn for more.

My thirst is never quenched.

Yet, I am always filled and always overflowing.

How can this be?

What is your life?

The more I think about it, the more amazed I become at just how nothing I really am.

The years that I've lived have flown by so quickly. A few days ago I realized that I have lived about a quarter of my life already, according to statistics. Maybe I'll die tomorrow, maybe I'll die in eighty years. But truly, in the broad scope of things, what does it really matter? I'm only here for a short time; a day or a century, it's really all the same.

I realize there's so much to do; I have so many plans and dreams for myself, yet there's too little time to complete them all in. These revelations have caused me to take a step back and examine my life.

What is it that I really want in my life? What is it that I value most? What do I, in all honesty, want to do with myself for the rest of my life? Are my hours on Facebook really that important? In fifty years am I going to remember and be pleased with my researching the use of unsalted vs. salted butter in baking? Is that how I want to live my life?

Indeed, it is not. I'm glad you agree with me and visibly note the futility of such vain and empty arguments. Yes, I do find certain satisfaction for a few moments when I find evidence to prove my position and hence win the argument, but I am ultimately left more dissatisfied than I was before. Those few moments of pleasure are not worth the hours of research nor the relationships I damage through my own pride and self-confidence and know-it-allness.

I don't want to live in regret of wasted time and wasted opportunity. I'm so sick of sitting, waiting, and learning. I'm no longer satisfied with playing a life of defense. It's time for me to get on the offense. I now realize that's one change I need to make in my life.

After contemplation, I think I finally know what it is that I want to do for the rest of my life. How long will it take for me to get there? How many times will I fail along the way? I don't know, but I can guarantee you that I won't be able to count them on all my fingers and toes. I now have new goals set for myself, ones that I will be pleased with today, tomorrow, and fifty years from now.

Best of all?

I'm dreaming bigger than I ever have before.

- Janna

"For I am a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."